Angry Today

amy elizabeth

Everything in my World is Too Heavy

This is ridiculous, the inability to do hardly anything around this farm is totally destroying my self esteem.  It’s impossible to do anything with a back that constantly lets me down. I start simple projects and have to quit… or end up living on ibuprofen for a week. I would love to know what I’m supposed to do around here that doesn’t weigh more then 10 pounds. The answer to that is a big fat NOTHING.

I’m just not old enough be this dang fragile. If I don’t do anything I feel great, so great that I start thinking about working again. But following through ends up with a discouraging rude awaking that just can’t be ignored.

I’d like to clean the chicken coop, but that would mean lifting a too heavy bag of compressed shavings the size of a bale of hay. Not happening.

The new hen house needs to be put on cinder blocks… yeah right.

Hay delivery is tomorrow, that means my new hay will be piled in front of the old hay because moving even one bale of hay will probably cripple me for a month.

Not only is my profession in the real world gone forever, my job on the farm is getting done half-assed. Not acceptable.

What’s the answer? There isn’t one, so I blog, and write poetry, as if in some teeny way it might offer a sense of value to my rather unimportant existence. Is it working? NO! Today I’d just rather be pissed.

I’m definitely not this person anymore, but I’ll tell you what, I’m doing a great job running in circles trying to figure out who I am now.

amy with Mighty

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About tbnranch

amy elizabeth, writer, author, antique dealer. Lives in the northeastern reaches of the Sonoran Desert on a small hobby farm.
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25 Responses to Angry Today

  1. sorry to hear about your struggles…sending strength….

  2. L Lindall says:

    I, too, am in the same position Amy, 3 minutes upright, 3 hours down. Ibuprofen the drug of choice. Frustration for sure, answers-none at the moment. I keep trying to shrug off the defeating attitude that wants to keep me down. Yep, we had a rain yesterday and was cleaning out the chicken pen, drying it off with some fresh hay and down for the rest of the day. The heating pad has now become a permanent fixture on my posterior. Laugh at it, get angry with it, and know you are alright, and whole with it. Mine happened with a fall when I was clipped by our horse who came around the corner-going on two years now. I am grateful this day that I came upon your post to know that I am not going through this alone. Thank you Amy for sharing. I have stayed away from everything including blogging. Today, I am jumping back on the horse. (figuratively speaking).

    • tbnranch says:

      Oh my, you too? Gosh, I hate to hear that you struggle too, but somehow it sure is nice to know that I can share this with someone who understands. Today I’m good, tomorrow who knows… lol.
      Thanks for the positive words, and we both must learn to not over do! Easier said than done. lol

  3. Littlesundog says:

    I’m so sorry about your back! I had something similar happen a year ago, and I was laid up for three weeks – couldn’t put my socks and shoes on by myself! All you can do is just what you’re doing. I know it’s frustrating but concentrate on the good and find that silver lining… there is one ya know! 🙂

  4. Mags Corner says:

    I am so sorry about your back. I can totally understand your frustration. It is hips and shoulders with me. You sure are a beautiful lady. I hope the pain goes away and you will be feeling much better very soon. Hugs

    • tbnranch says:

      Ah… hip pain is often associated with back issues. But you probably already know that. Hip pain was where my problem first showed up. It was months before an orthopedic specialist found the real problem was my back.
      Thank you for all your kind words, feel better and take care of yourself!

  5. Ingrid says:

    Wish I was there to share in some coffee, treats, and b*tching. My neck went out and thus its a good thing we didn’t travel with two vehicles. I couldn’t have handled the driving. Nothing wrong with focusing on your writing – you do have a talent for it. Hang in there my friend 🙂

    • tbnranch says:

      Thanks friend. And just what were you doing to hurt your neck? You wild woman you. Gosh, maybe it’s the new purse, that’s good reason to shop right? Take care, see you soon for coffee.

  6. We’re about half of what we once was kiddo. The way I figure it if we combine some of our efforts we can still stay in the ball game of life. After all, two part broken down folks like us can near equal one healthy youngster! I got more construction tools and such than I can shake a stick at and plenty of time and desire to use ’em. You can trade me my time and tools in return for the knowledge that I need. Horsemanship and donkey care seems a fair trade to me but most of all just letting me continue using the gifts that God gave me (construction/repairs/ranching) by helping you out is worth more to my self esteem than any money could ever compensate. Just hold onto your drawers Ma’am, helps on the way in the form of a part stove up old friend movin’ out your way. Till then keep your chin up, your Ibuprofen handy and dang it, leave your darn phone turned on! 🙂

  7. Patty B says:

    I also have had back problems for years – there really is no easy solution. But your body is telling to you rest and like CB said there is nothing wrong with taking a little break. I have found a few things I enjoy to do while relieving my back pain and it helps to not feel like I am not doing anything. laughter is also good medicine, every time I over do it, I remember the ole saying, “I am not as young as I like to think I am”!! Blessings ~

    • tbnranch says:

      Looks like from these comments we all have something to gripe about! Yep, I like to find things to do that won’t aggravate my back too. I just made a little afghan for my dog… hands are still good! ha ha!
      Be strong, and be well.

  8. A New Path says:

    I am so sorry about your back. Mine went out last month and it was eye-opening how little I could do on the farm. I hope yours recovers.

    • tbnranch says:

      I know! It’s amazes me how the back seems to be connected to EVERY part of the body! But we get better, and hopefully learn to respect the warning signs. Take care, and don’t work too hard… the horses really don’t mind a little slacking. 🙂

  9. kford2007 says:

    My husband suffers from a bad back. He thinks he can do things. His mind tells him he can, but when he tries, it tears him up. He’s only 48 years old. The doctor said the arthritis in his lower back is of that of an 80 year old man. he’s on so many pain meds, and none of them work. I wish I had answers for you. Looking at him I can only imagine what you are going through. All I know is it’s okay to be pissed. I’d be pissed, too. Sometimes you just have to be the way you feel and work your way through it. Beat up your pillow. Scream down a canyon wall. Cry. Just don’t hold it in. Vent here all you want. We’re here for you.

    • tbnranch says:

      Oh, you are so sweet, thank you. The responses to this post have amazed me. So many nice people… and so many with similar issues too. I’m like your husband, I think I can do things too, but we both need to learn to listen to that little voice inside us that warns us not to.

  10. Sometimes your body is just trying to tell you to rest. You’re a busybody – always have been – and there’s nothing wrong with taking a little break. 🙂

  11. I’m sorry to read that you’re in such pain. That is frustrating!

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